Note to self:

My trauma has been blasted all over, both online & offline, both with & without my consent in both cases. Mostly without. Me sharing about it of my own choice was largely because that choice had already been made for me so many times, by so many others. I don’t regret speaking up (most of the time at least) but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t added to my trauma significantly- not the speaking up in & of itself, but the backlash.

I’m so very afraid to be alone with my own trauma. I’m going to have to make the choice to do much of this inner work privately over & over again, while learning to trust myself enough again to discern what to share in the hopes of reaching other survivors & our allies vs what needs to be kept close to my heart where only I can access it. This might be the shortest blog post I’ve ever written, but ironically it somehow feels right to hold myself accountable publicly for my commitment to do much of my healing very personally, on my own. I’m learning to make peace with the fact that much about my life is a bit paradoxical this way.

I’ve hurt publicly, & now I need to heal privately.