Inspired By My Haters <3

But really though. I’m writing this tonight because this is something I get asked about constantly, how & why I’m now cool with a lot of people who’ve done me harm in various ways & also hypothetical messages asking me how I’d react if this person or that person changed their behavior towards me for the better. I’m not talking about people who have sexually abused me here, but people who have harmed me in a variety of other ways.

Silly blog title aside, I’m dead serious when I say that many people who have been deeply harmful & hateful to me in the past (even sometimes the very recent past) are now deeply inspiring to me & close to my heart. To every single person who has waken up one day & decided they no longer wanted to be the kind of person who intentionally hurts others, & who has tried to make things right- I genuinely think you’re incredible & I’ve got love for you.

I’m starting to lose count of how many people have approached me to apologize & to try to make things right with me, but no matter how many times it happens the feeling of awe & gratitude I feel never lessens. The only thing that rivals it is the gratitude & determination to do better that I feel when someone I’ve wronged accepts my apology & gives me a chance to try to make things right.

It’s been a truly life changing thing to have people who have hurt me come to me like this. Almost every single time this has happened, the person has shared some of their own life story with me & every time, there’s been pain there. In those moments, I don’t see someone who has hurt me but simply another person who was or is hurting. I’ve even had people who have anonymously sent a massive amount of hatred to me reveal their identities to me, the ultimate vulnerability for many people online. & I’ve kept their identities & life stories safe & always will. I’ve also had situations where someone who has harassed me badly online meets me in person & suddenly a person who had so much to say for so long is at a loss for words. A sad reality of social media is that we sometimes talk to people online in ways we’d probably never dream of doing in person. When this has happened in person, I’ve been surprised that in most cases they apologize to me & we usually end up literally hugging it out.

When I talk about what I see as genuine apologies, that means ones that come with lasting changed behavior. That means the person isn’t still going out hurting others in the way they’ve apologized for hurting one person. That means the apology doesn’t come with strings attached or otherwise demanding something from the hurt party. That means that an apology isn’t dependent on / ready to be retracted because of the wronged parties response if they aren’t ready to accept it.

In a couple cases where a person who has apologized to me has went back to trying to hurt me again, their secrets are still safe with me. Because I can choose to be a safe person for others to trust, regardless of how others treat me. That’s who I want to be, & is not dependent on what other people do or don’t do. & healing is rarely linear, including interpersonal healing. It can feel like a slow & maybe even a little bit maddening process, but I really believe that this is how we start healing entire communities, entire generations even & create a better world for our children. It sounds so simple, just being good to each other but it’s so important.

I’m betting that every single adult on this planet has hurt another person at least once. But it counts for a lot when we genuinely apologize & try to make things right. & it takes a great deal of strength. Apologizing to someone is hard. You have no idea how they’ll react. It can be scary to even think about. I think when we’ve hurt someone in any way, a lot of us fear deep down that they’ll hurt us the same way we hurt them as retaliation. Hurting people hurt people, & I think a lot of us have been afraid to try to right some of our wrongs because we think it means we’ll be abused as punishment.

I don’t believe there’s a single person on this earth who hasn’t been through some kind of pain that’s fundamentally changed them as a person, whether short term or long term. We can’t choose what happens to us, but to a great extent we can choose to let it harden us & make us lash out at others- or we can choose to be that much more kind & gentle to others in a world that’s sorely lacking in those last two things. & it’s never too late to change course & become a kinder person.

For a long time I felt pressure to be a very hardened version of myself, both as protection for myself & also in the hopes of making an abusive person think twice before going after another person & trying to hurt them. I’ve rarely been the first person someone has abused, but I always hope to be the last. I wouldn’t even wish some of the ways people have treated me upon the very people who did said things to me. But I’ve come a long way in my healing, & I no longer feel naked & exposed without that hardness. I’m reconnecting with my own softness, & remembering the girl who grew up wearing her heart on her sleeve. As each day passes, my desire for “revenge” against the people who’ve hurt me lessens & my genuine wish for them to find healing in their own lives grows.

I’ve been stunned for a long time at how a lot of people who harass survivors seem to think this crime is rare & therefore a lot of people must be lying about it, as a way to justify obsessing over & trying to hurt us. If someone has no idea what it’s like to go through this trauma & chooses to try to create more hurt & trauma in our lives, that’s really cruel. But regardless of their behavior, I’m still glad for one thing- that they’ve never been through this. I wouldn’t even wish it on the people who did it to me. I’m glad there’s one less rapist & one less person having to recover from rape in the world, even if it’s someone who has been abusive to me. No one deserves this, ever.

I’m starting to once again see my natural softness as my real strength, & to truly begin to let go of the trauma response of going hard at anyone who’s brought hatred to me. At this point, it just seems like a waste of energy. It feels so much more healthy & productive to focus on the massive amount of kindness, love & support I’m lucky to have in my life, & to try my best to help show kindness, love & support to others.

I no longer feel the need to project hardness & try to bring about consequences in the hopes that it’ll scare people off from abusing me or others again. I’ve realized I can’t force anyone to stop trying to hurt people. If anyone who’s hurt me wants to talk to me human to human with mutual basic respect, I’m almost always down. But you can’t force someone to care about how their words or actions impact others. When they’re ready to grow they will, & if they never are then that’s genuinely sad for them because it’s a miserable way to live & I believe there’s so much more to life when we open ourselves up to making amends with others & letting them make amends with us.

I sincerely with all of my heart wish absolute healing & peace for every person who’s ever directed hate at others because they were in pain themselves on some level. & I’m forever grateful for the connections & friendships I’ve made with people who have hurt me in the past. I’m a flawed human being just like everyone else in this world, & I’m pretty much always open to hearing a genuine apology. I don’t think any person who is truly happy & doing okay in life has the desire to try to bring harm to or hatred towards another human being. If someone feels the need to spend their time & energy being awful to other people, & especially when they make up stories & lies about the person to try to justify their hatred & abuse of them, there’s clearly something deeply wrong in their own life. It’s not healthy & I know something important must help missing in someone’s life to make them want to do this, & I sincerely hope they can heal.

How we treat &/or respond to others is usually more of a reflection of our inner world than of the other person. Trauma can make us lash out, react defensively, & act out of character- & there are so many different kinds of trauma a person can go through & it impacts us in a variety of ways. Just like anyone else, I’ve certainly said & done things I’m not proud of when I was in pain, & when I felt like my only protection was to be a hardened version of myself.

One of the most healing things I’ve ever done for myself is not letting who I am continue to be defined by the people who abused me. The traumas I’ve been through very much impact my life to this day, & it would be dishonest to pretend otherwise. I’m not talking about pretending it all never happened, but rather not letting it all turn me into someone I don’t want to be. & a big part of that has been no longer giving them power to have me living as shell of myself, full of fear & rage. When I’ve fought back hard at people being abusive or otherwise hurtful to me, I’ve been demonized for it by a few people. Since I’ve taken a different approach as I heal, I’ve still had some of this same small group of people still react with hate to it. Usually it’s because they think I’m not being genuine, which makes me sad for them because I know from experience when you haven’t had a lot of genuine people in your life, everything & everyone can feel suspicious. I can’t control what other people say, do, or think about me but I know I have deep respect for other people working on being better people & growing & I’m very much grateful when others see me working on this in my own life & show me the same respect. <3 I’ve also learned that if someone is committed to hating & misunderstanding you, they will. If they’re committed to seeing your humanity, they will too. It’s their choice.

Back to the people who have made amends with me- I’ll truly never forget the stories many of these individuals have shared with me, the pain they’ve experienced in their lives resonates with me deeply & in a split second of a moment I go from feeling so much hurt & anger at a person to just wanting to hug them. When someone has hurt me & approaches me differently later, I proceed with both love & caution & it takes time & a history of changed behavior to truly earn my *trust* because I am a person living with complex trauma. But I’m committed to always having compassion & respect for them as a fellow human being. We all have to live in this world together. We might as well try to be as good to each other as we can be.

I’ve seen so many other people genuinely change for the better, & I’ve changed for the better myself as I pursue healing on both an individual & community level. Not to sound like a cornball- but guys, we really are in this together. If you’re in a place in your life where you’re hurting others, especially intentionally doing so, please know it’s not too late to stop.

Also, please remember that the poison you put out into the world, even where you think no one can see it, also pollutes the air you & your loved ones will breathe. I want every person in pain lashing out to heal- I used to say for the sake of others around them, but honestly? For their own sake too. I’m now at a place in my healing where I can say that & mean it. I want all of us to heal, both for ourselves & for every other life we’ll cross paths with in any way.

One of my favorite quotes comes to mind here: “I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.” -F Scott Fitzgerald. Or George Elliot. Or the movie adaptation of The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button. Wherever it’s actually from, I hope this for all of us.

If you’re someone who has apologized to me &/or someone who I’ve apologized to, I’m sending you so much love. Thank you for being you, & for sharing the healing experience that a genuine apology is with me. It means more than I can even begin to put into words, & gives me so much hope for the future. <3 Let’s keep making things right with each other, our communities & our world desperately need it.

& if you’re one of the people who still hate-reads the things I put out into the world, like this blog, just to talk badly about me somewhere or wish bad things for me- just know that I genuinely hope something good happens to you today or tonight (depending on what time of day you’re here) I hope someone is above & beyond kind to you today. I hope someone in your life shows you they care about you. I hope you see something that makes you smile. I hope you can have your favorite meal soon. I hope someone buys you flowers, or holds a door open for you, or compliments you. I hope you find some joy in both the little things & the Big Things that make up our lives & that you know that you don’t have to be defined by who you were on your worst days. It’s never too late to be kinder to both others & yourself. <3 I hope someone shows you a kind of love that changes your whole life for the better.

Whatever your reasons for being here with me, whether you have good intentions or not so good- thank you for spending time with me reading this- thank you for being here, sincerely. <3

Any of us can look for a million justifications to want to hate &/or hurt someone else, so why not try to look for even just one or two reasons to want to be compassionate to someone today?